The Times They Are A Changin'...

This is going to be a weird post, because my Dad reads these.

In the last 9 months, my father has been seeing someone. A woman. He’s DATING A WOMAN.

I’m his biggest cheerleader in terms of getting back “out into the field,” but I don’t think I really ever realized what it would feel like once he actually did. It feels crazy. My heart beats all happy-like and breaks at the same time. I feel weird.

On the one hand, I can’t even imagine what it must be like to start dating someone once you’ve been widowed. As someone who has been divorced, moving on makes sense. That person, for whatever reason, wasn’t the right one for you, nor you for them. But when your spouse dies…that’s a whole other kettle of fish.

My parents were happy. I mean, they had their moments (who doesn’t), but after over 30yrs of marriage, they clearly loved each other very much. So I admit here on the interwebs that I am working on how to cope with these feelings I’m having, and maybe my Dad is feeling the exact same way. I’d only ever known him with my Mom, so the notion of seeing him with someone else was foreign, even uncomfortable for me as I pictured it in my head.

For months, it was like this woman was a secret. It seemed like my brother and I would never meet her. She was the Snuffalupagus. All in all, we were happy for him. His zest for life had made a return, and I could hear happiness in his voice when I spoke to him. I helped him plan meals and desserts when he cooked for her at home, and I went shopping with him for new clothes for a trip to the tropics. I even went out and bought her a Christmas gift, because the thought of him being in a mall trying to figure it out in the midst of the holiday madness made me nervous, and I was fairly certain he’d come home with a potato, a ceramic giraffe and a bag of black licorice (for himself).

Months went by, and it all seemed fairly normal. Except for the part where we hadn’t met her yet. And then I started to wonder if maybe my Dad was afraid for us to meet her. Or that maybe he just wasn’t sure how HE felt about the whole thing. About dating in general. About his children meeting a woman he was fond of, that wasn’t our Mom. I don’t even know how you do that. I am clueless as to what this feels like for my father.

On a trip home in mid-July, I finally met my Dad’s companion and her daughter. My father hosted a BBQ for us to meet. Adam had met her prior to me coming home, so I was essentially the missing link. When I called my brother to ask what she was like, hoping for some insight, he said “She’s short.” Which wasn’t much help, clearly. I had daily panic attacks for the week leading up to this meeting, so I can only imagine my Dad was feeling a little anxious as well. I cried when I was alone with my boyfriend, and couldn’t put my finger on the real WHY. My father has a right to happiness, and to companionship. My weird and obscure fear of meeting her bothered me.

This weekend after some bizarre nightmares about my Mom and weird memories of our time in the hospital, I realized what was upsetting me: It wasn’t that my father has moved forward with his life. It was that it is another reminder that my Mom isn’t coming back. And as juvenile a notion as that is, that’s how I was feeling. She is gone. And my memories of her in my kitchen are still so vivid, so seeing another woman in there helping me slice tomatoes and pickles was unfathomable to me. Seeing her gently touch my Dad’s forearm at the table, and hearing the smack of a kiss in the hallway simultaneously gutted me and made me happy for my Dad. I thought people saying “I’m not trying to replace your Mom” was something they only said in the movies, so when she said it to me during a moment alone at the BBQ, I almost burst into tears.

I always think about what it must be like for my Dad to move on and to try and create a new normal as a widower. I try to picture his side of the coin before I ask questions or make decisions. And I wonder if this time we’re feeling the same thing, for the same reason. Fear, hope, and love. All at once. Some days I get it, and some days I don’t. I figure it’s the same for him.

Oh, and meeting “J” and her daughter was totally fine. They were great, we had a nice evening, and “J” is clearly quite smitten with my Dad. I mean, he’s pretty fantastic so that’s a given!

Just when I think I’ve got it all in the bag, life moves forward with a new change and a new kick in the pants. It doesn’t much care if I'm ready or not. Like anyone else, I just have to manage through whatever the pivotal moment is, and cry if required. I have good days and bad days. And I learn from both. My Dad is dating. And even if I’m not ready for it, he is. And that is the most important thing.