Today is my Mom’s Birthday. She would have been 62.
Her firstborn, I was born 5 days after my mother’s 25th birthday. I was her birthday gift. She was my heart.
I remember our birthdays were always fun, hilarious and love-ridden. So much goodness. In my mind, I can picture her freckled face and her beautiful smile, happy and glowing on her birthday. When I wake up on April 12th, I always feel empty. A little melancholy. I want to call her and wish her a Happy Birthday, I want to see her and hug her. I want to eat birthday cake for breakfast with her.
We always celebrated “our way”. It was simple, but perfect. We would go to Tim Horton’s to get a coffee for her (tea for me) and a sour-cream glazed doughnut to share. After our birthday snack, we’d head over to the local Winners to buy something fun for our birthdays. I miss those moments so much. I’d hold up a shirt that would look cute on her, and she’d find something horribly tacky and wave it over the rack saying “Amy, this is SO YOU.” My friends reading this are nodding right now saying "Oh GOD, Amy does that to me all the time." Now you know where I picked it up.
Because her birthday was so close to mine, this time of year is naturally not a great time for me. I enjoy the time with my friends and family, and I’m never one to shy away from a celebration. Truth? I force myself to go out and have fun. I don’t ever wait for anyone to plan a birthday party for me, because I know sitting at home alone is detrimental. I’ve never had a surprise party because I’m afraid if I don’t plan something right away, no one will plan anything, and I will end up home alone with my memories of my Mom. I’m okay with that any other time. Just not on my birthday.
This year I have elected to not go out on my birthday. Next Tuesday, I will be staying home with Lily. I might make myself a nice dinner, and watch a movie. That’s all. It’s time that I sit with the discomfort of not having my Mom around on my big day. I can’t avoid it anymore. Although the weekend following my birthday a friend has planned a little dinner get-together, my actual birthday is mine alone. To remember the woman who brought me into this crazy world, and then left it too soon.
Today, however, is Mom’s birthday. And the friend she never got to meet but would have loved is coming with me to Tim Horton’s. And then we’re going to Winners, where we will look at hideous shoes, people watch, and maybe cause a little trouble.
Happy Birthday, Mommy. You are missed more than you will ever know. You are loved more than anyone could ever dream possible.
I think the office is dusty. I seem to have something in my eye. Happy birthday, Miller's mom. xo
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